That first drug error

The first time you cry on shift

The first complaint made about you

And the first patient that you lose.

The funeral you attend

And the safeguarding case

That first crash call you put out

And the incident form you fill in.

Gosh, we never forget these firsts.

They shape our first years qualified

and they set us up for the years ahead.

But they can make us questions ourselves,

our training,

our God.

God, why is this so hard?

And, will it always be?

Will I always carry grief like this?

Will it always affect me?

My answer is…

…I hope so.

I hope you don't become thick skinned,

or numb to another's pain.

I hope your heart stays fragile actually

That your heart breaks for what breaks his again and again

That you learn to forgive yourself

That you carry people, but only to give them to God in prayer

That you remember that you are not God

Only he is perfect

Only he sustains

Only he holds all things together

I hope lament finds a way into your worship

And you find freedom to question him.

That you find others who are doing it too

Who are inspiring and encouraging

I pray that you never lose your love for God

And for being his hope in hopeless places

That you cling to the faith, joy, and love that he gave you

And that you become the nurse or midwife you're meant to be.

Bex Lawton