the discipline of secrecy

Amy Forrest explores the discipline of letting God decide how and if we are noticed for our work

Of all the compliments we most crave as nurses and midwives, ‘utterly forgettable’ is not top of the list. So, when a senior midwife described me that way in my annual appraisal, I wasn’t thrilled. It became clear that she was trying to describe a lack of ‘presence’ or assertiveness in non-clinical group situations – the office, the staff room, the corridor – rather than a comment on my clinical competence (about which, mercifully, she had nothing negative to say).

My initial reaction to her comments was discouragement. Can I have worked here this long and still not stand out at all? I am friendly and talkative, I help anyone who asks, I invest in staff relationships, and I know that I am a skilled midwife – what am I missing? The fear was quick to arrive – perhaps she is right, that I’ll never progress if I don’t find a way of ‘establishing myself’ in some way. A greater fear soon followed – does this reflect on me as a Christian? Surely I should stand out as a follower of Jesus?

Jesus commands his disciples to ‘…let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven’. (Matthew 5:16) Just one chapter later, however, he says ‘Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven’. (Matthew 6:1)

The key to unlocking this apparent contradiction is the motivation. In chapter five, we are to be visible for the father’s glory. In chapter six, we are warned against the desire to receive glory from others. Being prepared to be visible or invisible in order to best glorify God is practising the discipline of secrecy. Far from an excuse to hide our light under a basket and shy away from boldness for the gospel, secrecy is the discipline of allowing God to decide when, and if, our light will be noticed.

So much of our work as nurses and midwives is done in secret. We minister to our patients behind the privacy of doors and curtains, speaking softly to protect confidentiality. We watch over them at night, when no one else is there. Whose praise do you seek for your hidden kindnesses? Your patients may or may not acknowledge how hard we work for their comfort and safety. Your colleagues may or may not see enough to have a good understanding of how well you work.

Jesus tells us that ’you Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you’. (Matthew 6:4) If it is God’s glory we seek and his approval we value, then we can remain content if our efforts are unnoticed by our seniors. If our habits of withdrawing from conversations and gossip that tempt us to sin mean we are ‘forgettable’, or our refusal to grumble about management means we remain outside the ‘cliques’, we need not worry.

Perhaps your quiet diligence will eventually be rewarded by your colleagues in some way, perhaps not. But it will certainly be rewarded by our Father, who sees in secret.

Reflecting on my reaction to being called ‘forgettable’, I have to acknowledge that at some point my natural desire to do well at work had become a need to be admired by the people around me. Lord, replace my pride with contentment to work for your glory alone, and to trust you with deciding when my work is noticed by other people. May I work only to please you, and to serve you well, who gave your only Son for my salvation.

Amy Forrest is a midwife on a Midlands labour ward.