surrender

Nine Verschoor explains how she discovered peace in surrendering to God in the face of a serious illness

My name is Nine, I am both a nurse and a patient, as well as being a mother. I was born and raised in the Netherlands, and I spent my life taking care of others. I want to tell you a bit about my journey, a journey I can only describe as the most intense one of my life.

I am now 54 years old and have worked as a nurse for 30 years. I have mostly worked with people suffering from neurological diseases and cancer, many of whom eventually entered a palliative phase. So, I have a lot of experience with end-of-life care. As sad and painful as that work was, I experienced it as deeply meaningful. I did it with all my heart and soul. And I still miss it every single day.

Nine years ago, I was told I had Lymphoma, a slow-growing, but incurable form of cancer. Since then, I have lived as a palliative patient, facing a long and humbling journey inward.

At first, I resisted. I went through every stage of grief: denial, bargaining, deep anger, sometimes even directed at God. That anger spilled over into my family life. My children, already carrying the weight of my illness, also had to carry the burden of my pain. It’s something I still struggle to forgive myself for.

Eventually, resistance turned into exhaustion. I realised I couldn’t hold on any longer, not to control, not to do expectations, not even to hope for answers. Slowly, I entered a new phase: letting go.

I’ve come to find peace within myself.
I am allowed to die!
And that feels like a liberation.
There is nothing left to fear.

You can live each day fully aware of all the beauty around you.

Not every day is a gift.
But I’m much more aware of the beautiful things in life.
I have found God again!
And I’ve come to understand that in the end, it all comes down to one word: surrender.

Through surrender, you find peace. And you can finally let go of the need to control life.
Which, in truth, we never had control over anyway.
And letting go of control is, perhaps, the hardest thing for us as human beings to do

Now I’m ill, I live with pain.
But my life is richer than it has ever been.
Being ill is an invitation to truly live.
Only now do I truly understand that. And for that I’m grateful.

I want to thank you for reading this.
And may you, too, find peace in surrender.

Nine Verschoor is a former nurse from the Netherlands with 30 years of experience, mainly in hospital-based palliative care.